Golf Jokes

    We golfed with an elderly gentleman who had remarried after losing his wife of fifty-two years. We considered asking him what it was that made him decide to get married again, when we heard him call out, "Harriet, did you see where my golf ball went?"

    Two archaeologists were discussing their findings.
"During one of our searches," one of them said, "we uncovered a 5000 year old city. And adjacent to the city we found what we believe to be an ancient golf course."
    "What makes you think it's a golf course?" the second archaeologist asked.
    "Among other things," the first archaeologist answered, "we found a prehistoric five iron."
    "And just how far into the earth did you have to dig to find this prehistoric five iron?" the second archaeologist inquired.
    "We didn't have to dig at all," the first archaeologist replied. "It was wrapped around a tree."


    "I've been working on a new swing," a golfer informed the others in his foresome, "and I'm really looking forward to trying it out." He then teed up his ball and sliced it into the side of a house beside the fairway.
    "I'm not sure...," one of the other golfers observed, "but I think I've seen you use that swing before."

    "What's the rough like on this course?" one golfer asked another who was just about to take his first drive of the day.
    "Don't know," the golfer on the tee replied. "I haven't hit my ball yet."


    "I use the same technique to remember the accuracy of my golf score that I use to remember people. What was your name again?"
   

    A young man went to play a round of golf. Since he was alone, the starter asked if he would mind if another golfer, a young lady, joined him. Of course, particularly considering how attractive she was, it was all right with him.
They both were playing well. On the eighteenth he had a putt of 45 feet. He paused and said, "If I sink thie putt I'll break 80 for the first time. If I do I'll take you to dinner this evening, the finest dinner you've ever had." Lo and behold, he sinks the putt.
    The young lady has a 35-foot putt, thinks for a moment and says, "If I sink my putt, I'll break 90 for the first time ever. Tell you what; if I make this putt, after that dinner I'll take you to my apartment and show you a night you'll never forget."
    He picks up her ball and says, "That's a gimme."    


    A hacker spends the day at a plush country club. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. At the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the right of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly today, I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think that you could keep your head down that long."

    A fellow comes home after his regular Sunday golf game. His wife asks him why he doesn't golf with Mike Johnson anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say?" His wife says, "Of course not." "Well," says the husband, "neither does Mike Johnson."


    The golfer took two enthusiastic swings at the ball and missed both times. He looked up at his companion and said, "That's funny - this course is two inches lower than the one I usually play."

    I went to my golf pro for some lessons. He looked at my swing and said, "I think the first thing we should teach you is how to survive in the woods for 3 days or more."    

    Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
    Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot five dollars on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees, and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
    "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
    Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
    "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
    "And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"